Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
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You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars