My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
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Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
john wicks are toilet candles
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.