New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.