Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
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The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious