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The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.