“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.