“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Customer is always right
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Sex so good you see dead people.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’