Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.