Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Kids, do not try this at home!
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole