when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.