When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Is this you?
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck