friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
You Might Also Like
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
This is a whole mood;
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake