fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
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All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…