Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
scares
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Mistakes were made
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this