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I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
scrabbled eggs
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.