Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.