My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Damn what did I do next
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.