[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Unimpressed
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Mood.. 😂
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.