a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
the greatest twitter interaction
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there