Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes