[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
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Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
This has made my week.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.