My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
CRYING
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
*weighs self after shaving
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert