Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
You Might Also Like
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
🤣🤣💀
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I’d hang this in my house.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.