A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
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[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.