Beware of fowl play.
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“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Everything reminds me of my ex
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes