Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.