“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
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The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…