ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
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Bread puns are on the rise!
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
January has been Januweary
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
they should invent a rest for the wicked