I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
You Might Also Like
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!