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My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.