“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Never go to sleep after making me angry