coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*