Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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My whole life was a lie.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.