Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*