been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
A choir of Spring onions
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.