if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
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♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be