*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[first person to dance] whatâs happening to my extremities
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case youâre wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Best goalkeeper.. đ
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
âđ˝
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Every Fatherâs Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a âWorld’s Best Dadâ mug. âNope,â she said gravely. âI havenât met all the dads in the world.â
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
guy who came to check out whatâs making noises in my attic told me itâs âone of the creepiest attics [heâs] ever seen.â not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I donât know what this says about me as a parent but tbh Iâm actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]