No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
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My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
nobody’s gonna understand
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.