I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The 6 types of sex
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.