There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
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Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.