Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
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Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what