Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.