ok this is my dumbest yet
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Is this you?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
next question.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.