do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
You Might Also Like
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime