I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*