There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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9
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90Me: Nailed it.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?