Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
i choose….tongue
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Well, this certainly took a turn
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?