ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Don’t forget to tip your server
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
checking out some reviews of my local library
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.