Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
You Might Also Like
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Somebody call the cops.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct