Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
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*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.